Hallowe'en Horoscopes
by Koji Umezawa
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your adventurous attitude makes you try new experiences to broaden your mind. You will make it your life goal to witness something majestic, so you decide to climb mount everest. You make it to the top, But you manage to lose all your supplies in an avalanche on the way down and you freeze to death. Good job.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You like to stay isolated from the pack. So much so that one day when you see a person you have a crush on approach you, you panic and try to run across the street. But run into the path of a bus and get run over. Your crush moves on.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You have a very adventurous attitude. One day, you decide to take a shortcut through an alley on the way home. You witness the mafia killing a man, and before you can escape, they get a look at your face. They break into your house as you try to pack up your things, and then strap cement you your feet and throw you in the river. They then use their influence to get the police to close the case.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are always kind to your friends and family, but cannot deal with betrayal. One day, you see your significant other cheating on you. This drives you insane and you go on a murderous rampage, killing students from your school, until you get to your adulterous lover, who is backed into a corner. You lift your chainsaw above your head, but as you take a step forward you slip and the chainsaw cuts you in half.
Leo June 23 - August 22
You are very fortunate to have the life you have. You are very polite to others, but you become very shy around people you have feelings for. One day, you ask your crush out on a date, but you get shot down. You are so depressed that you start walking alone at night, in the rain. You approach some cement stairs and, not prepared for how slippery they are, slip and break your neck. You get a full page in the yearbook.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You can be very mean to others if you are not in a good mood. On one of such bad days, You bump into a kid holding a balloon, causing him to let go. As the balloon floats away, you tell the kid to get over it and to stop crying like a sissy. Later that day you are driving along with your friends when you get hit by a truck. You are pinned, upside down in the car and can smell gasoline, you see that same kid whose balloon you lost and beg for help, but he tells you to stop crying like a sissy. The kid walks away as your car goes up in flames.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You believe in true love, much to the chagrin of your peers. One day, they decide to play a prank on you, by waiting for you to present a love poem to the class, and then drop a can of red paint on you. Unfortunately, one of them did not have a good hold of the paint can, and it drops straight on your head. You fumble around with a massive gash on your head until you lose your balance next to an open window and fall to your death.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You are a natural born leader, but have a problem with authority. One day, you are doing some gardening work in a park when you get into an argument with your boss. It turns violent and you shove him. He gets angry and shoves you back harder, but you slip and fall backwards into a woodchipper, spreading small bits of you all over a field. The city decides to wait until it rains to wash your remains away.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are very adventurous and decide to take a vacation to south america. You are lucky enough to get an emergency exit seat so you enjoy the extra leg room. Suddenly, the planes engines cut out and the plane starts falling; a fire also starts and the plane is ready to blow. Once the plane lands in the water, you are too scared to uphold your responsibility of opening the emergency exit door, and the plane blows up with everyone inside. You make the front page.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You are a very hard worker but like to play around too. One day during winter break, after finishing up at school, you decide to head into a forest with a bunch of friends to see who can cut down the biggest pine tree. You all find your own trees and start cutting them down. Unfortunately, you weren’t paying attention to your surroundings, and someone was cutting down a tree directly behind you. You turn around just in time to see the tree crush you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are always looking to find your own way in life. One day, you decide to start making some crystals to sell as paper weights at school. You have your chemistry set all lined up, but you accidently used the wrong chemicals and end up producing some toxic gas. Tragically, your room isn’t ventilated resulting in you choking to death.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You have trouble making tough decisions. One day you are driving along on a small, one lane country road, when suddenly, you see a drunk driver in a pickup truck heading in the opposite direction. Your family is screaming at you to get out of the way, but you can’t decide whether to turn left or right. By the time you make up your mind, the truck is already pummeling your car, and you get crushed. The correct answer was left.
HAPPY HALLOWE'EN EVERYONE - HAVE FUN, BE SAFE AND BE CAREFUL!!
